“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
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If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨