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TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide