Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
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Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT