feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
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No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?