For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
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My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Every BBC series about the universe.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.