My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
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Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
How to woo a woman
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore