Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
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Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”