I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
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“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
nice challenge
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.