“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
You Might Also Like
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Friday
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
WHY?!