Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
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I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog