My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
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*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball