It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
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They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
The Joker was right
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first