What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
๐๐๐
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customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me itโs more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
โWeโll get you another ball, Hank.โ
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
๐คฃcould you imagine
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I think itโs bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i donโt think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I donโt know. Go wash them.
4: Donโt you want to taste them first?
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
No one said your โcheat dayโ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Why donโt the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Iโm more than willing to test out that whole โmoney canโt buy happinessโ thing.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: arenโt you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, itโs yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.