The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
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Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.