The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
You Might Also Like
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.