Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
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I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
A dad and his duck
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer