So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
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[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”