What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
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Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”