Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
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You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
🚲+physics = winner
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.