🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
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I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
😅🤣😂
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports