People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
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*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Sniffing the broccoli
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.