Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
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My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
consequences, the bane of my existence
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.