[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
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Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.