Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
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The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
barbara was highly relatable
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again