My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
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I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry