Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
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The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
#parenting
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!