If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
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Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?