ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
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“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.