Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
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BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.