I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
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Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
*launders Kohls cash*
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave