I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
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I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Taking phone security to the next level.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.