If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
You Might Also Like
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand