My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
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I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.