It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
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Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop