VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it