Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
You Might Also Like
Netflix: We have Less
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Doctors texting each other.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!