In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness