My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
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“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny