I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
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Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice