ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
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Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.