I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
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“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Mornin. * use accordingly
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.