Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
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THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself