There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
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My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.