Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
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Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years