I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
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I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married