When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
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Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
This is my favorite one of these!
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
The symmetry is uncanny.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer