hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
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Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.