I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
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Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene