I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
You Might Also Like
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”