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When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.